Saturday, March 3, 2012

Not so perfect.

Well here I go.

I had a normal prenatal appointment on Thursday. Baby's heart rate was great.. I'm measuring great.. Blood pressure was great.. urine sample was great.. weight gain is fine. Basically everything is great! We also had a ultrasound on Wednesday to follow up on a kidney issue from earlier in my pregnancy, and baby is great! Everything is perfect. Perfect...... Is it really?

So as some of you know, Eliza was born in spite of Shoulder Dystocia. We've learned since then, that the word "dystocia" simply means "obstruction". What 1 doctor may consider dystocia, another may not. Everyone has their own "moment" as when to call it "dystocia". SO, there is nothing you can do to prevent it and since it has happened once, its is way more likely that it will happen again. Baby can be born with total paralysis on one side of the body that will NEVER heal, Nerve damage, and of course baby can die if you can't get the shoulders out. It will suffocate. Broken collar bone.... yea.

I was seeing the Midwives at our hospital and they wanted me to see the OB that also works with them, b/c they aren't comfortable delivering baby #2 due to my history. (Blow #1). So we meet him, and he's very nice and very informative about the dystocia and NOW all my risks that I have. He never pushed me into birthing one way or another. So now I'm thinking, "OK.. so I know I'm high risk, but just b/c it happened once doesn't mean it will happen again, and GOD IS IN CONTROL!" Then I go on with my life for a few more weeks.

Thursday was my breaking point. I asked if he would induce me due to the whole thing, and he said no (which I was relieved at this point... for only a second). Then he asked me if I had an epidural with Eliza. NO! I did not. Then he asked me if I was going to have one with this baby and again I said no. He then when into this whole thing about how he HIGHLY HIGHLY STRONGLY recommends it.. b/c of things that could go wrong due to the dystocia and things they may have to do last second to "get the baby out". ... I about puked all over the floor. I'm sure all the blood had drained from my face and I looked like I was going to pass out. Now keep in mind, I KNOW I have the right to refuse an epidural, b/c it IS my body, but he can also say that we will need to find someone else to deliver this baby too.

SO in my mind I start going over everything I know about an epidural. Slowing labor.. stopping contractions.. failure to progress... SOOOOO Oh no! We need to give you pitocin to SPEED IT UP since the epidural stopped it!!! And then, BOOM! "EMERGENCY C-SECTION"!!!!!!!!! and it's all due to "failure to progress" which is b/c OF ALL THE DRUGS THEY GAVE YOU!

I am an all natural momma. I have judged people I don't even know who have had c-sections.. saying they weren't well educated. I have done this.

SO Casey then asks the DR what a c-section would be like, b/c in his mind, its all CRAZY and people are all running around.. and all that. So our Dr then tells us you just come in the morning, you get an IV started, bla bla bla and it takes about 30-45 minutes and then you will be up walking that evening.

Ok, so we leave the office, and Casey says to me, You need to talk to me. And I say.. I know.. I just think I'm gonna puke. We make it a few blocks before I. Break. Down. Very few times have I felt this gut wrenching pain within me, knowing there is nothing I really can do. I sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed. I tweeted to my dear friends who would pray for me in that moment. My husband is a rock. He is sturdy. Unmoveable. He says to me, "Meghan, do you want to know what I think? You're not gonna like it." I say. NO. Already knowing exactly what my practical husband is going to say. He says to me, "I think we need to have a c-section." At this moment I feel like I'm falling so fast into a huge hole and there is nothing to cling to. Everything I have learned about natural child birth. Everything I have stood for. Gone. That's it. I really had 1 chance to experience it all, and now it's done. What was it for?

Yes, I knew he was right. This is the most logical and SAFEST option for our baby girl. I just could not wrap my mind around it. NEVER in my life did I EVER think this would happen to me. A scheduled c-section?! NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But God has a way of humbling us. Casey took me to Cold Stone, which as you can imagine, I didn't go in. Then we went to Target. My favorite store. By this time he had me laughing in between sobs, and made me go in. I wasn't in the mood to shop for cute hospital clothes, so we bought candy and a new outfit for our new baby girl to come home in. (I'll post pics later on.) When we left I WAS feeling a lot better. (Thanks to all you who were praying for me, even though you didn't know what was going on.) On our way home I said.. I always know when something happens that God has a reason, or a lesson. I wonder what this is. So my smart hubby says something along these lines, but not this exactly.. "To humble you." He knows I have issues with my pride. He is so honest with me. And at that moment, I knew he was right. Maybe that's not the whole reason, but it is definitely part of it.

So now, we've totally decided that a scheduled c-section is what we will do, and will probably have to do with the rest of our babies. My issues now are  not thinking about the actual c-section itself, b/c I'm still freaking out about that. But that's only a very short amount of time, and then I'll get my baby girl! Lots of thoughts have gone through my mind. "People will think less of me. People will judge me. I will be less of a mother if I do it this way. I'm cheating. This isn't how child birth is supposed to be. I could probably still do it natural (and risk baby's life.. yes I know), and so on and on." So Casey tells me I worry way to much about what other people think, first of all, and second, it's not like I WAS just scheduling it just to do it. I've already birthed one baby naturally (and believe me, it wasn't easy).. so what do I have to prove? My friend RUTHANN told me about a book thats like.. Women's brains are like spaghetti and men's are like waffles... Well, Casey has totally moved on. This is our decision, and now on to the next thing (which is a battery opperated skate board by the way.. lol), and ME... I'm still going over it. Just today, he said.. "Meghan, you need to move on." Yes I was slightly offended, but proves my point how men are different.

Anyway, now I'm asking for all your prayers. I know God is STILL IN CONTROL, even when it feels like everything is out of control. Well,, out of MY control. Lol. Funny how that works. God still has a plan. And this was probably it all along.. but we'll see. It's getting easier to accept every day. Even if it is just a tiny bit.

So here's to less than 6 weeks to go!!! Then we'll get to meet baby E. :) (Yes, we have a name!)

                                                  34 weeks!!! Yay!!!!!


Amanda Nash said...

OHHHHHHHHHHH MEghan!!!! This is exactly how my brain would be processing it! i am so proud to have a friend who is as strong as you are!! I cant wait to come and visit you and meet that new baby of yours:)) LOVE!

Ruth Ann said...

Lol!!! Tell Casey to stop already with the 'get over it comments'. You will need to talk about this for weeks. Lol yup ya gotta figure out how that noodle fits in with all the others!!!

Love you much!!!!

Brittany Speaks said...

I can totally relate. The doctors discovered a hole in my baby boy's heart at about 27 weeks. I didn't overly process it trying to give my worries to the Lord. I had been induced with my first 2 pregnancies due to being "uneducated" and had been determined to do this one on my own. I fought so hard to go into labor on my own and finally gave in at 9 days overdue. I remember bawling thinking I was a failure. My hubby brought me around. I will be thinking of you and praying for a safe and smooth delivery. And for the health of your little one.

Lindsay Hatcher said...

You'll been fine Meghan! I know it's a scary thought of a c sec.... Especially if you where in cc like I was and know every flaw your surgeon has! But after being in labor for over 30hrs and Kacie's heart rate going into the 20's at that time I knew that a c sec was the only way I was going to safely get my baby girl:(
Also, not sure if they do vbac's (vaginal birth after cecarian) but that's could be an option someday if your future pregnancies go better.
And my friend that's a nurse was telling about a thing they're doing at some hospital's right before they take the baby out they lower the drape so you can see your little one being born:) you could ask them if you interested in that! Praying for you though!!!