It's all Insanity..

Hello blogger world! It's been... hmmm... almost 6 months since I last blogged (the night before Ezze was born). Doesn't seem like that long! As I'm sitting here my little almost-6-month old is SITTING next to me playing with her squishy block. She's adorable. :) But that's not entirely why I'm here. I'm starting a new journey with my hubby (actually 2, but that story to come later.:) :) ). Today is our first day of INSANITY! We are doing it together, as well as planning every one of our 5 meals a day together, and he will be very good at keeping me on track. I will try and blog very often about this new adventure in our lives. I'm very excited!!! So here we go...

DAY 1.

I feel like death. Don't get me wrong, the workout I LOVED (Thanks AMANDA NASH who told me I would!).. This is also my first day WITHOUT CAFFEINE. That means NO coffee. My head is pounding as we speak. It will take me about 3 days to feel "normal" again. This is a price I'm willing to pay for a healthier me, even though coffee isn't really bad for you. It's the addiction I didn't want. Today I ate FABULOUSLY (Special thanks to my hubby)!! Breakfast was Kashi GO LEAN CRUNCH cereal with my delicious Almost milk. Snack was a packet of yummy nuts and a string cheese, lunch was SHAKEOLOGY (if you've never heard of this, YOU TUBE IT!!), snack was 2 string cheese and 13 turkey pepperoni's and then supper ... I'm not sure yet. Protein, veggies, fruit and thats probably about it.

This is just the beginning.. and I have to keep telling myself that! I'm so excited for the next 60 days!! YAY!!!

Tomorrow..

This is my last day being pregnant with Ezmae. I'm gonna be real, I'm kind of relieved. I've been pretty uncomfortable these past few weeks, it will be nice to have little things back. Like a normal sized bladder, non-swollen feet, this annoying stretching pain in my upper abdomen whenever I lay down will be gone, and really to just NOT be achy. Now that I'm done complaining, let me share how I'm feeling right now.

My first feeling is uncertainty. I'm not extremely worried, or feeling sick with anxiety, I'm just unsure how it will all go. How I will feel when we actually go into the OR and start the whole thing. Unsure how Eliza will feel when we come home, and so much of my time is "demanded" by baby. Unsure how my feelings of Post-Partum "depression" will be this time. I'm praying for lots of SUNSHINE and nice weather so I can have my windows open, b/c that always makes me feel good. I'm praying recovery goes well. Really, with Eliza, my recovery took quite a while. My tailbone was bruised so badly, among other things, I couldn't sit comfortably for about 2 weeks. It was not fun. My DR told me after 2 weeks I should be feeling much better, so I'm anxious to compare the 2 recoveries. Just for my own personal knowledge. Not so I can tell people this and that.

I'm sure all these feelings are perfectly normal for your second baby. After all, I've done it all before, so I kind of know how I will be feeling. Just praying its going to be a lot better then I expect. I do have Eliza to bring me Joy and of course, a new baby girl. Hubby will be home for 2 1/2 weeks, and I'm sure I will have lots of texts from friends and visitors. I know I will not be alone, especially in my God. He will never forsake me or let me feel alone. I'm sure my days will be filled with lots of Dora and Diego. Hopefully I can get Eliza to venture into some new shows and movies.

Now that I've rambled for a while, that's basically it. I can't believe it's tomorrow. 18 hours from now. Wow. Maybe reality will set in tomorrow morning when I have to get up at 4-4:15. Pray for me!!! And for our family. Tomorrow begins a new chapter in our lives. I can't wait to see what it holds!! :)

And so begins the countdown..

3.5 days. That's it... I cannot believe it. This pregnancy has gone by SO FAST. Like triple the speed of my first. I'm sort of hoping this isn't a glimpse into how fast life will go by with 2 babies. BUT I will embrace every moment.

Tonight hubby and I are having 1 last DATE NIGHT before baby is born. I'm so excited! We are going out to eat at Red Lobster (which is very special to me b/c hubby hates seafood) and then going to see The Lorax in 3-D. :) Yes, we are that awesome. We will be out LATE for us, so I'm fully expecting to take a nap tomorrow afternoon, if Liza doesn't fall asleep during church, that is. I've decided to embrace these last few days with my "Family of 3" with Love and JOY! I already have butterflies in my tummy, thinking about Wednesday, but I have 3 full days with Eliza. I will take full advantage of that. Her world is about to be rocked... SO we will have lots of MOMMY and LIZA time. Now that I think of it.. I hope that doesn't make it worse.... :/

So Eliza will be staying with Grandma tonight and I will pick her up tomorrow morning for church, where all the cute toddlers and babies get to carry palm branches down the aisle in honor of Palm Sunday. :) She will be adorable, as usual.

On another note, her birthday party was last Sunday, even though her actual birthday isn't for a few more weeks. We wanted to celebrate before the new baby came and it could be all about Eliza. SO, my next post will include a lot of info about NEW BABY and the c-section. Stay tuned!!! :) I'm so excited!!!!!!!!

Seeing her cake for the first time. Dora!!

I love this. She got all bashful when everyone started

singing.

She loved the pinata! 

And bubbles. We had to have bubbles!! :) 

Happy Saturday! 

Spring!

I cannot get over this weather. My windows are open and the breeze is floating through my house like it's July! When I look outside, it seems very strange that there are NO LEAVES on the trees and our lawn is still brown. This is so amazing! I think God was really giving me a break this winter because He knows how much I hate the cold. :)

When I gave birth to Eliza, ON her birthday it was one of the nicest days that spring. I think it was about 71, and when we left it was only in the 60's. I struggled (just like any new mom) getting a new routine together and also with post-partum "depression". I felt like I was in a cave, adjusting to this new mommy thing, and I missed ALL of spring! By the time I was venturing out with my new little bundle, summer was in full swing! THIS TIME, I feel like God is giving me a little blessing! I really pray that my post-partum is a lot shorter this time, and I think I will adjust quicker. But I love this weather!!!! Summer makes me so happy. I LOVE the hot. I love the sun. And I feel like SPRING is already here, and who knows... by April 4th we may be into SUMMER!!!! (wishful thinking).

So go enjoy this beautiful "Summer" day! We are grilling out tonight! What are you plans for the weekend?! Can you believe it's only March 16th?!?!?!?!!?!?!?


LALALA it makes me want to sing!!!

I have a reason to worship!

Today is March 7th. Exactly 4 weeks until we meet Baby E! Since my last post, I have had endless encouragement from friends and loved ones and even a few people I don't really even know! In a way, I was afraid the world WOULD judge me for my decision, but then again, who am I to the world?! And really in the end, what does it matter?

There is a song that has ministered to me so much over these past few years, and so much even now. About 3 years ago, my hubby and I were going through a real trial. We could. not. get. pregnant. We even went to the Dr. to make sure everything was fine, and it was. So why wasn't it happening?? I know people have suffered with this much longer than we had to, but 10 months was a long time for us, to be constantly trying. It was very testing for me. I think Casey always knew it would happen sooner or later, so he didn't fret with it as much as I did. But, wow. God put me through the Fire. I remember one certain point when Casey and I went with our youth group to a youth conference in Kansas City. It was so refreshing! One of my dear friends Libby and her hubby prayed with Casey and I, really giving hope and encouragement that this WOULD come! And even that Sunday after, at our home church, she once again prayed with me and talked with me after saying how she really felt God would bring this to pass SOON! And wouldn't you know... I was ALREADY PREGNANT at that time!!!! I found out the next weekend! OH HOW GOD IS FAITHFUL!!! And what would my life be like if I DIDN'T have Eliza?! It hurts to even think about that!!!!

So even now, through this small trial, God WILL remain faithful to me, as He ALWAYS has in the past!! Have you read my love story?? Check it out. Always, always, always faithful.

My song. "This is my prayer in the Fire, in weakness with trial or pain. There is a Faith proved in more worth than gold, so REFINE me Lord THROUGH the flame! I will bring praise, I will bring praise, no weapon formed against me shall remain. I will rejoice! I will declare, God is my VICTORY and He is here!..... I am a conquerer and co-heir with Christ!!! All of my life, in every season, You are STILL GOD! I have a reason to SING! I have a reason to WORSHIP!!!"

Oh my goodness, What a blessing it has been to me!! Constantly on REPEAT in my home!!! God is faithful! GOD is STILL GOD!!!!!!!!

Amen.

Thank you for praying for me, friends! 4 more weeks!!! 4 more weeks!!! I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God has given me JOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not so perfect.

Well here I go.

I had a normal prenatal appointment on Thursday. Baby's heart rate was great.. I'm measuring great.. Blood pressure was great.. urine sample was great.. weight gain is fine. Basically everything is great! We also had a ultrasound on Wednesday to follow up on a kidney issue from earlier in my pregnancy, and baby is great! Everything is perfect. Perfect...... Is it really?

So as some of you know, Eliza was born in spite of Shoulder Dystocia. We've learned since then, that the word "dystocia" simply means "obstruction". What 1 doctor may consider dystocia, another may not. Everyone has their own "moment" as when to call it "dystocia". SO, there is nothing you can do to prevent it and since it has happened once, its is way more likely that it will happen again. Baby can be born with total paralysis on one side of the body that will NEVER heal, Nerve damage, and of course baby can die if you can't get the shoulders out. It will suffocate. Broken collar bone.... yea.

I was seeing the Midwives at our hospital and they wanted me to see the OB that also works with them, b/c they aren't comfortable delivering baby #2 due to my history. (Blow #1). So we meet him, and he's very nice and very informative about the dystocia and NOW all my risks that I have. He never pushed me into birthing one way or another. So now I'm thinking, "OK.. so I know I'm high risk, but just b/c it happened once doesn't mean it will happen again, and GOD IS IN CONTROL!" Then I go on with my life for a few more weeks.

Thursday was my breaking point. I asked if he would induce me due to the whole thing, and he said no (which I was relieved at this point... for only a second). Then he asked me if I had an epidural with Eliza. NO! I did not. Then he asked me if I was going to have one with this baby and again I said no. He then when into this whole thing about how he HIGHLY HIGHLY STRONGLY recommends it.. b/c of things that could go wrong due to the dystocia and things they may have to do last second to "get the baby out". ... I about puked all over the floor. I'm sure all the blood had drained from my face and I looked like I was going to pass out. Now keep in mind, I KNOW I have the right to refuse an epidural, b/c it IS my body, but he can also say that we will need to find someone else to deliver this baby too.

SO in my mind I start going over everything I know about an epidural. Slowing labor.. stopping contractions.. failure to progress... SOOOOO Oh no! We need to give you pitocin to SPEED IT UP since the epidural stopped it!!! And then, BOOM! "EMERGENCY C-SECTION"!!!!!!!!! and it's all due to "failure to progress" which is b/c OF ALL THE DRUGS THEY GAVE YOU!

I am an all natural momma. I have judged people I don't even know who have had c-sections.. saying they weren't well educated. I have done this.

SO Casey then asks the DR what a c-section would be like, b/c in his mind, its all CRAZY and people are all running around.. and all that. So our Dr then tells us you just come in the morning, you get an IV started, bla bla bla and it takes about 30-45 minutes and then you will be up walking that evening.

Ok, so we leave the office, and Casey says to me, You need to talk to me. And I say.. I know.. I just think I'm gonna puke. We make it a few blocks before I. Break. Down. Very few times have I felt this gut wrenching pain within me, knowing there is nothing I really can do. I sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed. I tweeted to my dear friends who would pray for me in that moment. My husband is a rock. He is sturdy. Unmoveable. He says to me, "Meghan, do you want to know what I think? You're not gonna like it." I say. NO. Already knowing exactly what my practical husband is going to say. He says to me, "I think we need to have a c-section." At this moment I feel like I'm falling so fast into a huge hole and there is nothing to cling to. Everything I have learned about natural child birth. Everything I have stood for. Gone. That's it. I really had 1 chance to experience it all, and now it's done. What was it for?

Yes, I knew he was right. This is the most logical and SAFEST option for our baby girl. I just could not wrap my mind around it. NEVER in my life did I EVER think this would happen to me. A scheduled c-section?! NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But God has a way of humbling us. Casey took me to Cold Stone, which as you can imagine, I didn't go in. Then we went to Target. My favorite store. By this time he had me laughing in between sobs, and made me go in. I wasn't in the mood to shop for cute hospital clothes, so we bought candy and a new outfit for our new baby girl to come home in. (I'll post pics later on.) When we left I WAS feeling a lot better. (Thanks to all you who were praying for me, even though you didn't know what was going on.) On our way home I said.. I always know when something happens that God has a reason, or a lesson. I wonder what this is. So my smart hubby says something along these lines, but not this exactly.. "To humble you." He knows I have issues with my pride. He is so honest with me. And at that moment, I knew he was right. Maybe that's not the whole reason, but it is definitely part of it.

So now, we've totally decided that a scheduled c-section is what we will do, and will probably have to do with the rest of our babies. My issues now are  not thinking about the actual c-section itself, b/c I'm still freaking out about that. But that's only a very short amount of time, and then I'll get my baby girl! Lots of thoughts have gone through my mind. "People will think less of me. People will judge me. I will be less of a mother if I do it this way. I'm cheating. This isn't how child birth is supposed to be. I could probably still do it natural (and risk baby's life.. yes I know), and so on and on." So Casey tells me I worry way to much about what other people think, first of all, and second, it's not like I WAS just scheduling it just to do it. I've already birthed one baby naturally (and believe me, it wasn't easy).. so what do I have to prove? My friend RUTHANN told me about a book thats like.. Women's brains are like spaghetti and men's are like waffles... Well, Casey has totally moved on. This is our decision, and now on to the next thing (which is a battery opperated skate board by the way.. lol), and ME... I'm still going over it. Just today, he said.. "Meghan, you need to move on." Yes I was slightly offended, but proves my point how men are different.

Anyway, now I'm asking for all your prayers. I know God is STILL IN CONTROL, even when it feels like everything is out of control. Well,, out of MY control. Lol. Funny how that works. God still has a plan. And this was probably it all along.. but we'll see. It's getting easier to accept every day. Even if it is just a tiny bit.


So here's to less than 6 weeks to go!!! Then we'll get to meet baby E. :) (Yes, we have a name!)

             
                                                  34 weeks!!! Yay!!!!!

The "I" Word

Some things we can't control. Things like.... childbirth. I guess there are certain things we can be in charge of, but when it comes down to it.. sometimes baby gets stuck. Yes. This happened to me.

My #1 baby girl had issues "coming out" (mind you, I STILL did it au'natural!!!!! ) and there is nothing you can do. So what happens when you're preggo with baby girl #2?? You are higher risk.

I've been aware of this ever since I birthed #1 but the closer it gets, the more it is becoming real. At my 32 week appointment yesterday, we briefly talked induction. I was with one of the midwives, with whom I will NOT birth :(. SO, at my next appointment with our OB we will talk more in depth about it.

Its crazy to think of this "I" word. I never thought it would "happen to me". Ya know? I took the classes. I've researched. I WILL do it natural.. I didn't really think that it would come to that. AND it may NOT! But, I'm accepting it. There are things we will start a little earlier than last time.. Primrose oil, raspberry leaf tea, walking.. and so on.

So, I'm here to say, that I know God is in control and the birth will be perfect. No matter what happens. After all, it's ONLY a 25% chance that it will happen again. :)

Prayers welcome!!!!